Ukulele Man’s Generic Small Town/Rural* High School Graduation Speech

(as inspired by the underlying, but unspoken, reality of life in the small town of Ellipsisville, Ohio - where I live, and where you will find Ellipsisville High School and its Fighting Lhasa Apso’s).

Hey Graduates!! Congratulations!! You made it.
Oh yes, I know that even as you wait excitedly to throw your caps into the air, you are wondering: " Golly, what now? What lies ahead?"
Hmmmmmmm. Two roads diverge in a yellow wood, and I’ll (yes, I’ll) take the one less traveled by, and that’ll make all the difference."
Yeah . . . uh-huh.
Well, I’m here to say, like Yogi Berra, "If you come to a fork in the road, take it." You see, Yogi lived on a street that forked before it reached his house, but it soon came back together. Whichever road you took, it really didn’t make any difference.
It’s the same for you, graduates (although most of you — not to mention your English teachers - have likely misread Frost’s poem - read the poem again when you’re forty, and if you’re still puzzled, e-mail me).
What I mean is, everything’s pretty much already been decided for you by now. And better yet, you don’t really have to worry about it. You’ve been to High School!!! Just think back! All the answers to all the major questions are there!
You know where the railroad tracks are; don’t you? And you know where you live; don’t you? Well, that’s the main thing.
That should tell you something, make my job today a lot easier, and help get your individual self on the road to adjustment and acceptance.
You losers out there — you know who you are — you should since you’ve had it hammered into your heads, probably since elementary school : "dummies, dorks, slackers, dopers, burn-outs, goths, punks, geeks, nerds, porkers, wallflowers, skanks, spastics, and speds.

Well, you’re on your road already, and the rest of the class intends to keep you there. At least, they’re not going to help you get out of that rut (yours is a tough life, but somebody has to live it).
Get used to it. Put your nose to the grindstone. Work hard. Save for a rainy day, Take an entry level job, and work your way up to cashier!
No. Today I am not talking to you, you vast assemblage of losers, begrudgingly sitting out there in the sun — although I may share a few beers with you after the ceremony. You already know what you have to do: the same thing you’ve always had to do - for twelve years — survive! Get used to it. Embrace it. It is your destiny.
Ah, but you winners!! Fear not. You have the answers; you know the rules; you learned them in school.

Well . . . you certainly have assimilated them, but probably you didn’t actually learn them in any academic sense. So, just to be sure, let me enumerate them now:

Number 1. You were born to rule (remember the railroad tracks, and count your dividends).

Number 2. If challenged, point out how much better dressed and coiffed you are (let ‘em deal with that!).

Number 3. Failing that, your parents do have power, money, and influence. Crush the upstarts.

Number 4. Never forget that the socio-economic- political system will always support you in this effort since it is run by people who are winners too, people just like you !

Number 5. (To state the obvious) Intelligence, talent, insight, energy, and altruism are
Unnecessary — and, perhaps, even counter-productive ( as everyone knows, a
large portion of you cheated your way through "Honors" classes for four years
and are still considered "gifted" ). Dexterity and cunning uber alis!

And, last but not least, a valuable corollary:
While those sitting around you have muddled through in obscurity, you’ve done well for yourself here. But don’t over-reach. Raised in a small, conservative, heartland environment, you probably already appreciate being a big fish in a small pond and are understandably hesitant to expose your shortcomings by trying for too much more. Good idea! The bigger fish, bigger than you, know the rules too and frown on helping "the world" - much less you.

Now, I know a lot of you "gifted" folks out there are a little nervous and asking yourself, "Does this jerk really know what he’s talking about?"
Yeah, it is hard to believe. You know that you’re not particularly special. You know that your parents and class-conscious teachers got you by, while the system selectively ground down the "beaners" and "sweathogs" and "hippies" and "dweebs." You know that you’ve had all the advantages that the losers lacked — through no fault of their own - that you’ve been arbitrarily lifted up while they’ve been relegated to obscurity. And you wonder if they resent you.
Of course they do, but they can’t do a damn thing about it. Can they? Remember "THE RULES"!!! Rules are rules, and as the ruling minority you’ve taken the road less traveled by. It’s your job to keep it that way.
Perhaps you find this new responsibility daunting, but don’t worry. Our great democracy is based on the principle: "You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, and - with control of the media - those are pretty good odds."
That bedrock foundation will always sustain you. You may be - by any objective measure - incompetent, a fool, and a failure; but with the right parents, the right attitude, the right clothing and grooming, and — perhaps — with a little golf; the system will take care of you.

You’ve got it made. Never forget that the world is run by pompous little self-serving bullet-headed winners - just like you - and they won’t let you down . . . (unless they can make a buck out of it).

Congratulations!! And may you always get what you so richly deserve!!

Thank You

* If you find this address suitable to your town (small, rural, or otherwise), I am available (fees may vary with location and the relative likelihood of facing angry mobs).