Bon Mots

(a ukethanks to Travis)

Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet. - - - Robin Williams-

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of
it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. ---Roseanne-

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. ---Billy Crystal-

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you
a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought
of that!" ---Sean Connery-

According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. ---Robert De Niro-

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is
that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? ---Hugh Grant-

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see
the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." ---Elayne Boosler-

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem? ---Dustin Hoffman-

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to
learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." ---Jerry Seinfield-

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. ---George Clooney-

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. ---Rod Stewart-

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time. ---Robin Williams-

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. ---Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)-

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary
friend. ---Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion)-

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand,
we can open all our own jars. ---Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)-

And God said: “Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on
me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame
everything on Satan.” ---George Burns-

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? “Hold my purse.” ---Sandra Bullock-

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of
pals out there. Type in “Find people that have sex with goats that are on
fire” and thecomputer will ask, “Specify type of goat.” ---Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)-

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. ---Sharon Stone-

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who
do. ---Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)-

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?' ---Arnold Schwarzenegger-

Sincerity is the most important thing in acting. Once you learn how to
fake that, you have it made. ---Sam Goldwyn (Hollywood producer)-

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. ---Tiger Woods-

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. ---Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)-

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. ---Rev. Jesse Jackson-

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch. ---Jack Nicholson-

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base. ---Dave Barry-

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
---Marilyn Pittman-

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. ---Bob Ettinger-

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' ---Paula Poundstone-

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: D'uh.
---Conan O'Brien-

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead. ---Johnny Carson-

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same. ---Oscar Wilde-

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. ---Mae West-

Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself. ---Mark Twain-

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait. ---A. Whitney Brown-

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. ---Author Unknown-

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. ---Drew Carey-

If this is logical and makes sense: “Choose life; your mother did,” what about “Have sex with your mother; your father did”? --- Uke Man