Colbert to "the Man" - The Transcript
STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front,
could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House
correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at
the same table with my hero, George W. Bush,
to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming.
Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty
sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody
shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight?
Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs
anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and
clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from
the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark
Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps,
Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is
Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to
celebrate this president. We're not so different, he
and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol.
We're not members of the factinista. We go straight
from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies,
right down here in the gut. Do you know you
have more nerve endings in your gut than you have
in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you
are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not
true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells
me that's how our nervous system works. Every night
on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from
the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by
rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I
hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set
of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America.
I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that
it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly
believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the
Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in
democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export.
At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of
plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your
great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said
it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs
best is the government that governs least. And by these
standards, we have set up a fabulous government in
Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.
I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in
Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a
committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right
to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim.
I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ
as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to
believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man
has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay
attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection
of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality."
And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people
that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's
important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no
attention to the people who say the glass is half empty,
because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid
in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last
third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is
that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency.
I believe it is just a lull before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president
in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything
else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His
corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the
vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every
time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does
he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end
he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming
story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face.
So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68%
of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask
you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve
of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he
stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things.
Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently
flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message:
that no matter what happens to America, she will
always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged
photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has
a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think
he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time?
He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By
2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves
his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America
agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I
just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never
been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact,
no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't
true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to
tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to
say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American!
I'm with the president, let history decide what did or
did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You
know where he stands. He believes the same thing
Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter
what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's
beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the
president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal
media that is destroying America, with the exception of
Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story:
the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting
on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe?
Those things are secret for a very important reason:
they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well,
misery accomplished. Over the last five years you
people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence,
the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't
want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to
find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works:
the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The
press secretary announces those decisions, and you
people of the press type those decisions down. Make,
announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and
go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to
your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in
your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington
reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration.
You know - fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to
answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies
you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White
House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're
just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all,
that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not
sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are
rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes:
Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer.
They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President,
thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as
shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday
for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I
mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air
Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right,
you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still
support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle
these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let
them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's
use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf
Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit
shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order
men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from
the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very
interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him
anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace
that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor,
by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea
what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to
say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence,
Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent
use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a
reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing
hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my
paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a
maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad,
because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could
have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way,
Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back
into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South
Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones
University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the
chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to
welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with
a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of
corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing,
a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in
front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of
course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame.
Oh, my god. [looks horrified] Oh, what have I said?
I -- Je- minetti (sp?). I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant
to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife.
Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour,
new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name,
"Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero. Took the second
toughest job in government, next to, of course, the
ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott
McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan,
of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to
spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President,
I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a
fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for
these people. I know how to handle these clowns.
In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your
indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and
gentlemen, my press conference.
BEGINNING OF "AUDITION TAPE"
Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference. It opens
with an empty podium. Colbert's head rises from behind
the podium until Colbert is standing at the podium. He
addresses the assembled Washington press corps.
COLBERT: I have a brief statement: the press is destroying
America. OK, let's see who we've got here today.
COLBERT (acknowledging various reporters): Stretch!
(David Gregory nods)
Sir Nerdlington! (reporter nods)
Sloppy Joe! (reporter nods)
Terry Lemon Moran Pie! (Terry Moran nods)
Oh, Doubting Thomas, always a pleasure. (Helen Thomas
smiles)
And Suzanne Mal -- hello!!
(Suzanne Malveaux stares at Colbert, looking unhappy.
Colbert mimics putting a phone to his ear and mouths "call me.")
REPORTER: Will the Vice President be available soon to
answer all questions himself?
COLBERT: I've already addressed that question. You
(pointing to another reporter).
REPORTER: Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor, . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, no, he's the former CBS
anchor. Katie Couric is the new anchor of the CBS Evening News. Well, well,
how do you guys feel about that?
You, tousle-haired guy in the back. Are you happy
about Katie Couric taking over the CBS Evening News?
DAN RATHER: No, sir, Mr. Colbert. Are you? (Laughter)
COLBERT: Boom! Oh, look, we woke David Gregory up.
Question?
DAVID GREGORY: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?
COLBERT: I don't know. I'll ask him.
(Colbert turns to Rove) Karl, pay attention please!
(Rove is seen drawing a heart with "Karl + Stephen"
written on it.)
GREGORY: Do you stand by your statement from the fall
of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl, and
Elliott Abrams, and Scooter Libby, and you said "I've gone
to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me that
they are not involved in this." Do you stand by that
statement?
COLBERT: Nah, I was just kidding!
GREGORY: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying
anything! You stood at that podium and said . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, that's where you're wrong.
New podium! Just had it delivered today. Get your facts
straight, David.
GREGORY: This is ridiculous. The notion that you're
going to stand before us after having commented with
that level of detail and tell the people watching this that
somehow you've decided not to talk. You've got to . . .
(Colbert is seen looking at three buttons on the
podium, labeled "EJECT," "GANNON" and "VOLUME."
He selects the "VOLUME" button and turns it. We see
Gregory's lips continue moving, but can't hear any sound
coming out.)
COLBERT: If I can't hear you, I can't answer your question.
I'm sorry! I have to move on. Terry.
TERRY MORAN: After the investigation began, after the
criminal investigation was underway, you said . . .
(Colbert presses a button on the podium and fast-forwards
through most of Moran's question.)
MORAN (continuing): All of a sudden, you have respect
for the sanctity of a criminal investigation?
COLBERT (seen playing with rubber ball, which he is
bouncing off attached paddle): No, I never had any respect
for the sanctity of a criminal investigation. Activist judges!
Yes, Helen.
HELEN THOMAS: You're going to be sorry. (Laughter)
COLBERT (looking vastly amused, mockingly): What are
you going to do, Helen, ask me for a recipe?
THOMAS: Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the
deaths of thousands (Colbert's smile fades) of Americans
and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime.
COLBERT (interrupting): OK, hold on Helen, look . . .
THOMAS (continuing): Every reason given, publicly at
least, has turned out not to be true. My question is, why did
you really want to go to war?
COLBERT (again interrupting): Helen, I'm going to stop
you right there. (Thomas keeps talking.) That's enough!
No! Sorry, Helen, I'm moving on. (Colbert tries to turn her
volume off, but the knob falls off his controls.)
(Various reporters start shouting questions at Colbert.)
COLBERT (agitated): Guys, guys, please don't let Helen
do this to what was a lovely day.
(Reporters keep shouting at him.)
COLBERT (putting his fingers over his ears and shouting
in a high-pitched voice): Bllrrtt! No, no, no, no, no. I'm
not listening to you!
Look what you did, Helen! I hate you!
(Helen Thomas glowers at Colbert.)
COLBERT (frantic): I'm out of here!
(Colbert pulls back the curtain behind him, desperately
trying to flee. He says, "There is a wall here!" The press
corps laughs. Colbert has difficulty finding a door from
which to exit the room, echoing Bush's experience in China.
He finally finds the door and hurries through it.)
COLBERT: It reeks in there! Ridiculous! I've never been so
insulted in my life! Stupid job.
(Colbert continues walking away. We hear sinister-sounding
music playing. We see Helen Thomas walking behind Colbert.)
(Colbert looks behind him, sees Thomas, and starts running.)
(Colbert trips over a roller skate. He yells "Condi!" We see a
close-up of Helen Thomas' face, looking determined and angry.
Colbert, increasingly panicked, gets up and continues running,
running into a parking garage. He reaches an emergency call
box, and yells into it.)
COLBERT: Oh, thank God. Help me!
ATTENDANT: What seems to be the problem, sir?
COLBERT: She won't stop asking why we invaded Iraq!
ATTENDANT: Hey, why did we invade Iraq?
COLBERT: NO!!! (runs toward his car)
(We see Helen Thomas, still walking toward him.)
(Colbert reaches his car, and fumblingly attempts to
open it with his key. He is in such a desperate hurry that
he fumbles with the keys and drops them. When he picks
them up, he looks back and Helen is even closer. In his
frantic rush, Colbert just can't get the key into the lock.)
(Just as his anxiety is getting completely out of
control he suddenly remembers that he has a keyless
remote -- so he just pushes the button on the keychain
and the car unlocks immediately with the usual double
squeak noise. Colbert jumps in and locks the door, and
continues to fumble trying to start the car. He finally
succeeds, and looks up to see Helen standing in
front of the car, notepad in hand.)
COLBERT: NO!!! NO!!!
(Colbert puts the car into reverse and drives off, tires
squealing. Thomas smiles.)
(Colbert is shown taking the shuttle from Washington,
D.C. to New York. A car and driver are waiting for him
at Penn Station. The uniformed man standing alongside
the car opens the door and lets Colbert in.)
COLBERT: What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.
(The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, "Buckle
up, hon." IT'S HELEN THOMAS!!!)
COLBERT (horrified face pressed against car window):
NO!!!
END OF "AUDITION TAPE"
STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen.
Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents
Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it's been a
true honor. Thank you very much.
Good night!
Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front,
could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House
correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at
the same table with my hero, George W. Bush,
to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming.
Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty
sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody
shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight?
Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs
anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and
clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from
the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark
Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps,
Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is
Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to
celebrate this president. We're not so different, he
and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol.
We're not members of the factinista. We go straight
from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies,
right down here in the gut. Do you know you
have more nerve endings in your gut than you have
in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you
are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not
true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells
me that's how our nervous system works. Every night
on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from
the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by
rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I
hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set
of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America.
I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that
it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly
believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the
Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in
democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export.
At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of
plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your
great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said
it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs
best is the government that governs least. And by these
standards, we have set up a fabulous government in
Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.
I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in
Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a
committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right
to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim.
I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ
as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to
believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man
has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay
attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection
of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality."
And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people
that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's
important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no
attention to the people who say the glass is half empty,
because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid
in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last
third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is
that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency.
I believe it is just a lull before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president
in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything
else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His
corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the
vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every
time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does
he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end
he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming
story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face.
So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68%
of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask
you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve
of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he
stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things.
Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently
flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message:
that no matter what happens to America, she will
always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged
photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has
a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think
he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time?
He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By
2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves
his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America
agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I
just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never
been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact,
no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't
true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to
tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to
say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American!
I'm with the president, let history decide what did or
did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You
know where he stands. He believes the same thing
Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter
what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's
beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the
president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal
media that is destroying America, with the exception of
Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story:
the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting
on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe?
Those things are secret for a very important reason:
they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well,
misery accomplished. Over the last five years you
people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence,
the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't
want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to
find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works:
the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The
press secretary announces those decisions, and you
people of the press type those decisions down. Make,
announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and
go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to
your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in
your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington
reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration.
You know - fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to
answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies
you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White
House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're
just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all,
that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not
sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are
rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes:
Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer.
They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President,
thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as
shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday
for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I
mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air
Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right,
you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still
support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle
these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let
them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's
use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf
Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit
shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order
men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from
the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very
interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him
anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace
that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor,
by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea
what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to
say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence,
Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent
use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a
reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing
hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my
paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a
maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad,
because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could
have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way,
Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back
into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South
Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones
University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the
chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to
welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with
a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of
corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing,
a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in
front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of
course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame.
Oh, my god. [looks horrified] Oh, what have I said?
I -- Je- minetti (sp?). I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant
to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife.
Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour,
new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name,
"Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero. Took the second
toughest job in government, next to, of course, the
ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott
McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan,
of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to
spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President,
I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a
fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for
these people. I know how to handle these clowns.
In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your
indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and
gentlemen, my press conference.
BEGINNING OF "AUDITION TAPE"
Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference. It opens
with an empty podium. Colbert's head rises from behind
the podium until Colbert is standing at the podium. He
addresses the assembled Washington press corps.
COLBERT: I have a brief statement: the press is destroying
America. OK, let's see who we've got here today.
COLBERT (acknowledging various reporters): Stretch!
(David Gregory nods)
Sir Nerdlington! (reporter nods)
Sloppy Joe! (reporter nods)
Terry Lemon Moran Pie! (Terry Moran nods)
Oh, Doubting Thomas, always a pleasure. (Helen Thomas
smiles)
And Suzanne Mal -- hello!!
(Suzanne Malveaux stares at Colbert, looking unhappy.
Colbert mimics putting a phone to his ear and mouths "call me.")
REPORTER: Will the Vice President be available soon to
answer all questions himself?
COLBERT: I've already addressed that question. You
(pointing to another reporter).
REPORTER: Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor, . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, no, he's the former CBS
anchor. Katie Couric is the new anchor of the CBS Evening News. Well, well,
how do you guys feel about that?
You, tousle-haired guy in the back. Are you happy
about Katie Couric taking over the CBS Evening News?
DAN RATHER: No, sir, Mr. Colbert. Are you? (Laughter)
COLBERT: Boom! Oh, look, we woke David Gregory up.
Question?
DAVID GREGORY: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?
COLBERT: I don't know. I'll ask him.
(Colbert turns to Rove) Karl, pay attention please!
(Rove is seen drawing a heart with "Karl + Stephen"
written on it.)
GREGORY: Do you stand by your statement from the fall
of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl, and
Elliott Abrams, and Scooter Libby, and you said "I've gone
to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me that
they are not involved in this." Do you stand by that
statement?
COLBERT: Nah, I was just kidding!
GREGORY: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying
anything! You stood at that podium and said . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, that's where you're wrong.
New podium! Just had it delivered today. Get your facts
straight, David.
GREGORY: This is ridiculous. The notion that you're
going to stand before us after having commented with
that level of detail and tell the people watching this that
somehow you've decided not to talk. You've got to . . .
(Colbert is seen looking at three buttons on the
podium, labeled "EJECT," "GANNON" and "VOLUME."
He selects the "VOLUME" button and turns it. We see
Gregory's lips continue moving, but can't hear any sound
coming out.)
COLBERT: If I can't hear you, I can't answer your question.
I'm sorry! I have to move on. Terry.
TERRY MORAN: After the investigation began, after the
criminal investigation was underway, you said . . .
(Colbert presses a button on the podium and fast-forwards
through most of Moran's question.)
MORAN (continuing): All of a sudden, you have respect
for the sanctity of a criminal investigation?
COLBERT (seen playing with rubber ball, which he is
bouncing off attached paddle): No, I never had any respect
for the sanctity of a criminal investigation. Activist judges!
Yes, Helen.
HELEN THOMAS: You're going to be sorry. (Laughter)
COLBERT (looking vastly amused, mockingly): What are
you going to do, Helen, ask me for a recipe?
THOMAS: Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the
deaths of thousands (Colbert's smile fades) of Americans
and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime.
COLBERT (interrupting): OK, hold on Helen, look . . .
THOMAS (continuing): Every reason given, publicly at
least, has turned out not to be true. My question is, why did
you really want to go to war?
COLBERT (again interrupting): Helen, I'm going to stop
you right there. (Thomas keeps talking.) That's enough!
No! Sorry, Helen, I'm moving on. (Colbert tries to turn her
volume off, but the knob falls off his controls.)
(Various reporters start shouting questions at Colbert.)
COLBERT (agitated): Guys, guys, please don't let Helen
do this to what was a lovely day.
(Reporters keep shouting at him.)
COLBERT (putting his fingers over his ears and shouting
in a high-pitched voice): Bllrrtt! No, no, no, no, no. I'm
not listening to you!
Look what you did, Helen! I hate you!
(Helen Thomas glowers at Colbert.)
COLBERT (frantic): I'm out of here!
(Colbert pulls back the curtain behind him, desperately
trying to flee. He says, "There is a wall here!" The press
corps laughs. Colbert has difficulty finding a door from
which to exit the room, echoing Bush's experience in China.
He finally finds the door and hurries through it.)
COLBERT: It reeks in there! Ridiculous! I've never been so
insulted in my life! Stupid job.
(Colbert continues walking away. We hear sinister-sounding
music playing. We see Helen Thomas walking behind Colbert.)
(Colbert looks behind him, sees Thomas, and starts running.)
(Colbert trips over a roller skate. He yells "Condi!" We see a
close-up of Helen Thomas' face, looking determined and angry.
Colbert, increasingly panicked, gets up and continues running,
running into a parking garage. He reaches an emergency call
box, and yells into it.)
COLBERT: Oh, thank God. Help me!
ATTENDANT: What seems to be the problem, sir?
COLBERT: She won't stop asking why we invaded Iraq!
ATTENDANT: Hey, why did we invade Iraq?
COLBERT: NO!!! (runs toward his car)
(We see Helen Thomas, still walking toward him.)
(Colbert reaches his car, and fumblingly attempts to
open it with his key. He is in such a desperate hurry that
he fumbles with the keys and drops them. When he picks
them up, he looks back and Helen is even closer. In his
frantic rush, Colbert just can't get the key into the lock.)
(Just as his anxiety is getting completely out of
control he suddenly remembers that he has a keyless
remote -- so he just pushes the button on the keychain
and the car unlocks immediately with the usual double
squeak noise. Colbert jumps in and locks the door, and
continues to fumble trying to start the car. He finally
succeeds, and looks up to see Helen standing in
front of the car, notepad in hand.)
COLBERT: NO!!! NO!!!
(Colbert puts the car into reverse and drives off, tires
squealing. Thomas smiles.)
(Colbert is shown taking the shuttle from Washington,
D.C. to New York. A car and driver are waiting for him
at Penn Station. The uniformed man standing alongside
the car opens the door and lets Colbert in.)
COLBERT: What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.
(The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, "Buckle
up, hon." IT'S HELEN THOMAS!!!)
COLBERT (horrified face pressed against car window):
NO!!!
END OF "AUDITION TAPE"
STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen.
Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents
Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it's been a
true honor. Thank you very much.
Good night!
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