COMING SOON !! To a Blog Near YOU!!! 

MUSIC !!!

Hey Folks!!!!!!!

I thought it was about time I brought you up to date as to where and when we’ll be appearing in the relatively near future!

Before long, on Sunday, May 15 the whole damned band will be doing its part at the Gazebo in Goodale Park (Short North) to honor and recognize the homeless and to help draw attention to their plight. The Coalition for the Homeless has asked us to headline an excellent assemblage of jazz bands (which start at 1:00 – we go on at 3:00) to entertain you while you do YOUR part to learn about and help address the situation of the homeless.

They and we are excited!! * * *

On Friday, June 3, at 11:15 A.M., we’ll be playing the Columbus Arts Festival on the Broad Street Stage in downtown Columbus. This will be our second year; we had a great time last year and were well received! Even if you can’t get free on a Friday lunch period to see us, come on down to the festival when you can. It’s a great time for music and fun!

* * *

The final schedule hasn’t been determined yet, but the band and I (at least) are planning on playing COMFEST (the Community Festival), one of the major saving graces of white-bread Columbus, the festival with both a heart and a brain, the one place and time that truly human beings can commune to rebuild the hope – constantly beaten down throughout the rest of the year - of building a better world.

COMFEST transpires Friday through Sunday, June 24, 25, and 26.

* * *

I’ll be getting more out on each of these as we get closer. Come, join in the fun!

* * * Uke Man

James from England in the US of A (He's been to Stuckey's)  

American Aristocracy 

To James in England

Dear James,

For your edification I have enclosed mementos
of our American aristocracy –
those living in the “White Castle,”
the Burghers of Columbus, so to speak.

The contents include:
one souvenir bag embossed with Hollywood promotions;
one seductive placard singing of “The Six Pack”;
AND two (2) –
suitable as knick-knacks
and REAL collector’s items –
cardboard White Castle hamburger containers
(some re-assembly required).

These latter items are ACTUAL packages
(from which the sandwiches have been removed)
and – as such –
they allow the lucky recipient to discover the unique aroma
associated with this great American delicacy.

If only I could send you the entire, delectable package!!

Enjoy!!
-------------------Yours - Tom

Scrambled Eggs 

u don’t have to be a moron to see the truth

For some reason, I received the comment below personally, but it didn’t show up on the blog. I’m not even sure to which of my postings it was responding, but my guess is that it was stimulated by the “ ‘Revelations’ Exposes Itself” section. Here it is:

“Who the hell are u to jepordise [sic] Jesus Christ?? He died and took our place so that we can have his peace. I bet u never had that kind of peace in your life u moron! “ - Posted by Anonymous to The Uke Man Speaks at 4/16/2005 03:23:00 AM


Well, first I’d like to say that if Jesus has the power to grant Mr./Ms. Anonymous peace, the Lord must have been asleep or on vacation when that comment was conceived. Sounds pretty agitated to me.

Secondly, while I’m not religious (Christian or otherwise), I respect Jesus; “Anonymous” will have some difficulty finding anything in my blog that tries “to jepordise [sic] Jesus Christ” – whatever that is supposed to mean. I don’t think I’ve even mentioned Jesus previously. And this points out one problem I have with some folks who claim to follow the “Prince of Peace.”

They either can’t read very well for understanding, or they willfully choose not to. They think like Humpty Dumpty in Through the Looking Glass who said: “When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less.” When they read, write, or hear a word, it apparently means whatever they’d like it to mean. That works out well for them, but it destroys any hope of communicating with anyone else. Worse, it makes a mockery of anything linguistic, including the “Holy Bible.”

Religion is totally a matter of faith. There is no searching via the senses for facts to support the acceptance of a particular deity, dogma, or practice; one simply submits blindly to the religion. One does not become Christian via studying the physical reality of the material world, but by accepting the spiritual authority of the Bible, a book consisting of words. One submits to the authority of the “divine word of God” as “revealed” in a book consisting of words.

And there’s the rub: words – words and Humpty Dumpty.

Different religions put their faith in different books. Different Christians look to different Bibles; e.g. Catholics and Baptists recognize different content. A single Christian group – say Presbyterians – will read the “same” Bible, but in English, German, Chinese, and many other languages. Within these languages are different translations using different words purporting to say the same thing (e.g. “King James” and the “Living Bible”). Almost none of the Bibles read today are in the same language that it originally appeared in; and the original from which all the rest have evolved wasn’t written itself until many years after the death of Jesus; nor was it likely written in Jesus’s native language . Yessir!! A lot of words, different words, in different languages, all claiming to be THE authority upon which one should base his faith.

Now with all this room so generously provided for Humpty Dumpty to make the Bible mean whatever he wants it to mean, it should come as no surprise that for two thousand years people have been oppressing, enslaving, and killing people in the name of God, and justifying it with Humpty Dumpty interpretations of their “holy” book.

They’ll mess with people of different Gods. They’ll mess with people of the same God with a different name. They’ll mess with people of the same God with the same name. They’ll mess with people of no god. They will discriminate, persecute, and kill them for the glory of THEIR God and justify it on the “holy” WORDS in their book – sometimes the same words that those they persecute believe in but interpret differently.

These people are sick, megalomaniacs. They claim their fear, prejudice, and hatred are loving acts supported by the “holy word,” but that resisting their mistreatment constitutes evil persecution of their warped “faith.” Let me put it another way: they insist that hatred for gays and Jews and independent women, for example, is nothing more than God’s will, but resisting that hatred constitutes persecution of God’s faithful servants.

Just recently it was reported that at one of the military academies some of the so-called Christians were charged with calling one young man a “filthy Jew” and accusing him of killing Christ. One “Christian” leader’s response to that was: the school is persecuting Christians.

These hateful people call themselves “Christians,” but they are Bizarro Land Christians, Faux-Christians, Anti-Christ-ians, Humpty Dumpty Christian Fascists who insist that whatever they say is what Jesus meant -- neither more nor less.

u don’t have to be a moron to see how sadly deranged that is.
- Uke Man

Who the hell are u to jepordise Jesus Christ??

The folks who devised and provide the technology for “morons” like me to spout off on a regular basis are high on my list of regard; so I am in no way complaining about them when I point out that for a few days between April 15 and April 18 nothing posted to the blog would appear ON the blog. I wouldn’t even be mentioning that if not for a “comment” some angry person submitted during this down-time.

For some reason, I received the comment personally, but it didn’t show up on the blog. I’m not even sure to which of my postings it was responding, but my guess is that it was stimulated by the “ ‘Revelations’ Exposes Itself” section.

Here it is:
“Who the hell are u to jepordise [sic] Jesus Christ?? He died and took our place so that we can have his peace. I bet u never had that kind of peace in your life u moron! “ - Posted by Anonymous to The Uke Man Speaks at 4/16/2005 03:23:00 AM

I guess the exact trail of this is lost, i.e. what this person was responding to; and my first thought was to let it go. It hadn’t even been ON the blog as far as I know; so, just forget it. But then I realized that if he/she HAD responded to the “Revelations” posting I HAD TO respond. The attitude and mind set displayed in the “comment” was EXACTLY why I posted the “Revelations” comments in the first place!

As soon as I have the time to consider a response (it may take a while, what with my moronic lack of peace – mental & otherwise ), I’ll put it out there for your enjoyment.
- Uke Man

If the Pope's a Twit, Have a Fit!!

If the Pope’s a Twit, Have a Fit
(with apologies to Johnny Cochran, Jessie Jackson, Muhammad Ali, and Sister Frances Mary)

put your hope
in the Pope?
and try to cope?

nope!
that’s a slippery slope

“hope” is Popeless
‘cause the Pope is hopeless

count on the Pope?

nope !

put your hope in the Pope?

nope !

why?

It’s a rope-a-dope!!!!!!

Fly away, little bird

Well,
Early in the morning of April 16, 2005, Mom passed away. She was 89.
I don't believe in heaven, but Mom did.
If she's right, she's there. That's for sure.
- Uke Man

My Mom 

Diffusion

My mother,
fragile, translucent
bent
as if hovering over the world
to make all things right
with her gentle
hands

Whether I live or die
doesn’t matter
but I fear
her death.

"Revelations" Exposes Itself

Tune in to: http://www.newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/arts/tv/reviews/11696/
I was going to write a synopsis of the crap that appeared as “Revelations” last night on TV to let you know its extreme insipidity - in case you missed it - but when I googled “Revelations” and found the site above, I decided that it could speak, more or less, for me!– and I could just go back to baking my Pope Cookies.
Check it out. “Revelations” is crap, and here’s why: films like “Tarantula,” “Night of the Living Dead,” “Nightmare on Elm St.,” etc. are fun bullshit, and EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S BULLSHIT!!! Be scared; have fun!!
The “Revelations” production is (supposedly) the WORD of GOD (supposedly!!!)!!! Whatever crap is "translated" to the tube could drive some psychopath to BELIEVE it IS all true (death to non-believers!! - Watch out!!)!!!
What a sad world! But I guess someone will make money from it; so it must be OK - at least in a capitalist kind of way.
- Uke Man

Revelations of Humbug Commercialism 

Just Desserts!!! 

Dispatch Half-Baked Cow Pies

To the Dispatch,
Well, the Dispatch is preaching at the kids again (“Half-baked” editorial).
Earlier, you straighten out a young man who refused (quite legally by the way) to submit to the half-witted state school-testing scheme. You thought it even worse that his father, the school’s principal, looked favorably upon his son’s action.
Next you pontificated to T-shirt wearing students about how wrong they were for putting the school administration in a difficult position by using their first amendment rights. You suggested all sorts of “proper” things the Dispatch would have preferred.
Now you repeat yourself as to how anything the Dispatch doesn’t like is not effective and hurts the activists’ causes. One thing I’ve learned over the years, however, is that when the guardians of propriety send up alarms about how bad something is, it must be having a good effect.
Obviously the “Dispatch” is much more concerned with chastising a few isolated high school and college students over their actions (two out of three of which would pass muster at the Supreme Court) than it is concerned with lawless legislators who have three or four times thumbed their noses at the legitimate orders of the Supreme Court.
As your editorial states, “People who are secure in their own viewpoints don’t need to resort to physical attack.” Obviously the legislature is secure in it’s own viewpoint and power; they just ignored the court and the constitution; and when it came time to wear T-shirts and throw pies, the court – unlike the kids you admonished – slunk away, probably not wanting to put anyone in “a difficult position.”
Maybe if the Dispatch threw more figurative pies at those who truly deserve them, the kids would respect the system more and throw fewer actual pies.
Uke Man

Old and Broken, but Still Providing Shade 

"Poli-Rad" at Thomas Worthington

I had a great time yesterday spending time with two "Political Radicalism" classes at Thomas Worthington. They were all much better looking than I, but since they were not of age, I didn't take any pictures. You're stuck with me.

I tell the kids to listen to everything but believe nothing because nobody knows any more about anything than they do. Everybody's just trying to con them; I ask, "IF experts know so much, why don't they ever agree?" And answer, "Because they aren't trying to solve a problem; they're really just interested in getting you into their group."

I suggest, as Mark Twain, might have suggested, that they watch for "dicrepancies." Below are some examples I shared with them.
- Uke Man


If experts know so much, why don’t they ever agree?
Why do some religious groups feel they are oppressed if not allowed to oppress others ?
If Cuba is our enemy because it is run by a “Communist dictator,” why do we like China?
If our government “supports the troops,” why do they screw the vets?
If dictators are bad, why have we supported so many of them?
If our nation’s foreign policy really is aimed at “American interests,” which Americans’ interests
are they, and why aren’t more Americans interested?
Why is it that almost everyone needs more money, but schools don’t ?
When Saddam killed thousands of his people, he was bad. When we killed thousands of his
people were we good?
Why do people believe they will get to heaven but most of their friends and neighbors won’t?
If this nation was founded on Christian principles, how could it accept and maintain slavery so
long?
If we should “choose life” because our mothers did, should we have sex with our mothers
because our fathers did?
If a number of religions each claim to be the one and only true religion, don’t all except one have
to be wrong?
If it is wrong to collect a welfare check for doing nothing, why is it OK to inherit WAL-Mart for
doing nothing ?
If the Federal Reserve sometimes raises interest rates to keep wages down and sometimes
lowers rates to increase profits, who sometimes does what to increase wages and sometimes
lower profits?
If health care really is a privilege not a right, doesn’t that mean that for poor sick people liberty
and the pursuit of happiness are rights, but life is just a privilege?
If bankruptcy laws had to be tightened to catch middle and lower class folks who couldn’t pay
their credit card bills, why can millionaires in Texas and Florida still keep their multi-million
dollar homes when they go bust?
If winning athletes thank God, why don’t losers cuss him?
If God saves the survivors of a disaster, who kills the victims?
If wealthy Libertarians resent spending their tax money to help the poor, why do they favor
everyone spending their tax dollars to imprison the poor?
If God made man in his own image, how does that affect God’s reputation?
If we have separation of church and state, why can’t we buy liquor on Sunday?
If God rested on the seventh day, why is Sunday the first day?
If this is a democracy, why do so many people hate the government?
If the state can track down and imprison “deadbeat dads” who, to make it easy on themselves
by running off from their family responsibilities, why can’t the state track down and imprison
businesses which, to make it easy on themselves, run off from their community and national
responsibilities?
Were women denied the vote for so long because all men are created equal?
When Dr. King worked for social justice, he was jailed; when he worked for economic justice, he
was killed.
In the 60’s conservative businessmen urged, “America ! Love it or leave it !” Now they are
taking their own advice.
If this is “a nation of laws – not men,” why are the same laws applied differently to different
men?
In the 60’s they said that if we didn’t defeat the communist in Viet Nam, they’d be invading us
through Mexico. We lost. Where are they?
If taking from the rich to help the poor is called “income redistribution,” what do you call taking
from the poor to give to the rich?
If resisting the economic and political domination of the masses at the hands of the wealthy few
is called “class warfare,” what do you call accepting it?
What's the difference between the Chamber and a Chamber Pot?
Which one of these did NOT get angry, bomb a building, and kill innocent people: Ronald Regan,
George Bush 41, Bill Clinton, Timothy McVeigh, George Bush 43, Pee Wee Herman?
Which two got arrested?

"Radical Humanism" at Thomas Worthington 

Letter to Kathleen Parker, addled "Dispatch" columnist

Geez, Ms. Parker,
I'm just a local gadfly, and I don't find it odd at all that the Terri-all-the-time situation should be deemed political.
If it were a moral question, the legislature should have addressed the BROADER question – not limited it to Terri’s case. If “life” were a priority, they’d have to address universal health care as well. They’d have to over-rule the Texas law George Bush supported that kills folks who can’t PAY to stay alive.
You won’t get the discussion you want. Politics trumps morality. Politicians can make a “deal” out of a limited situation that, among other things, takes the heat off Bug Man, but PLEASE!!! Don’t increase the size of government that Grover (Norquist – not the cute blue guy on Sesame Street) wants to drown in a bathtub.
- Uke Man

Stagecoach BBQ Nirvana & Uke

Hey!!
It was a great night at the Stagecoach BBQ!!
Yum!!! Yum!!! GREAT food!! GREAT beer!! GREAT audience!!! GREAT show (if I DO say so myself!! [wanttafightoverit!!??] WHAT A GREAT BAND!!! (the others - not me!!)
I had more pictures for you, but the machine is bucking. I'm computer illiterate; but I'll keep trying!!!
Yours - Uke Man

Fun (again) at BBQ 

Horn Power towering at the BBQ