Special Offer!! Race the Rapture!!!!!
Having been inundated by the demand for Pope Cookies ™ , we here at “The Uke Man Speaks” take this opportunity to express our grattitude to the thousands of customers who have already ordered our fledgling product.
Although our handmade delicasies require hours of craftsmanship, we are making every effort to maintain our schedule and to serve you in a timely way. As you read this, we are seeking assistance from no less than four Asian and two Central American nations that, unlike here, have millions of unemployed workers anxious to work for subsistence level wages.*
As our valued customers, we want to make it up to you for any past delays; so for the next 1,000 customers ordering the world’s one and only, icing-smothered Pope Cookies ™, we will include in your VIP package one (1) genuine, officially blessed certificate of authenticity attesting that each and every Pope Cookie™ represents the unauthorised efforts of a lapsed resident of the Honorable Archdiocese of Columbus – a value of $29.95 - but YOURS for simply ordering one dozen delicious, incomparable Pope Cookies™.
AND!!! For the first 100 customers we will also include one (1) plastic egg of genuine “Angel Snot”** (while supplies last).
So, folks!! Don’t get caught with your vestments down. Order today before the rapture leaves a bad taste in your mouth!
- Uke Man
* Please do not assume that our investigation of “off-shore” opportunities indicates we hate America or that we are money-grubbing bastards who are only interested in ourselves and who will be very happy once Social Security, Medicare, Medicade, the inheritance tax, progressive income taxes, capital gains taxes, gay marriage/domestic-partner options, a woman’s right to an abortion, minority rights, public schools, the post office, unions, separation of church and state, public libraries, helmet laws, speed limits, and restrictions on automatic weapons are eliminated.
** “Every time an angel sneezes, an oyster makes a pearl.” - Andorran proverb
Although our handmade delicasies require hours of craftsmanship, we are making every effort to maintain our schedule and to serve you in a timely way. As you read this, we are seeking assistance from no less than four Asian and two Central American nations that, unlike here, have millions of unemployed workers anxious to work for subsistence level wages.*
As our valued customers, we want to make it up to you for any past delays; so for the next 1,000 customers ordering the world’s one and only, icing-smothered Pope Cookies ™, we will include in your VIP package one (1) genuine, officially blessed certificate of authenticity attesting that each and every Pope Cookie™ represents the unauthorised efforts of a lapsed resident of the Honorable Archdiocese of Columbus – a value of $29.95 - but YOURS for simply ordering one dozen delicious, incomparable Pope Cookies™.
AND!!! For the first 100 customers we will also include one (1) plastic egg of genuine “Angel Snot”** (while supplies last).
So, folks!! Don’t get caught with your vestments down. Order today before the rapture leaves a bad taste in your mouth!
- Uke Man
* Please do not assume that our investigation of “off-shore” opportunities indicates we hate America or that we are money-grubbing bastards who are only interested in ourselves and who will be very happy once Social Security, Medicare, Medicade, the inheritance tax, progressive income taxes, capital gains taxes, gay marriage/domestic-partner options, a woman’s right to an abortion, minority rights, public schools, the post office, unions, separation of church and state, public libraries, helmet laws, speed limits, and restrictions on automatic weapons are eliminated.
** “Every time an angel sneezes, an oyster makes a pearl.” - Andorran proverb
1 Comments:
Hey Tom,
I want a dozen, but you can keep the angel snot. SH
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