Sky Pilots for Patriotism
Today the Columbus Dispatch reported that Monday the Reverend Rod “Turnip Seed” Parsley, pastor of the Harvest Big Bucks Church (A.K.A. the Canal WINCHESTER CATHEDRAL) along with Secretary of State J. Kenneth “Uncle Tom” Blackwell; U.S. Rep. Pat “Pillsbury” Tiberi; former U.S. Rep. Bob “For Christ’s Sake! Get This Coat Hanger Outta My Mouth” McEwan; Russell “You Can Call me Ray, or You can Call Me Jay, but You Doesn’t Have to Call Me” Johnson (pastor of the Fairfield County Compound for the Religiously Insane), and Roy “Fuck the Law – I Want My Stone Tablets” Moore greeted the 1,070 Christian Zombie “Sky Pilots for Patriotism” who had shuffled into the Big Bucks Cathedral.
I, too, had been scheduled to speak, but owing to our local trash day I was unable to attend. Here’s an outline of the sermon I’d hoped to give:
God’s New Plan for Purity
I. The Ten Commandments
_____A. Judge Roy Moore’s Incomparable Contribution
__________1. Job Creation for Stone-carvers and Piano-movers
__________2. Sex is Satan’s whorehouse
__________3. Prurient cheerleading routines
__________4. Sponge Bob Square Pants
__________5. The secret significance of “Yyyyy, Mmm, CA”
_____B. Adultery
__________1. n “voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man or
woman and someone other than his wife or her husband,
respectively.”
__________2. Involuntary and unmarried sex is NOT adultery
_______________a. The Commandments don’t address involuntary sex
_______________b. The Commandments don’t address sex between unmarried partners
II. Marriage Laws
_____A. Secretary Blackwell’s Incomparable Contribution
__________1. Nailing Gay Marriage
_______________a. No Marriage
_______________b. No Civil Unions
_______________c. What next?
__________2. The End of Marriage as We Know It
_______________a. Governor Blackwell can Do It
_______________b. Rush Limbaugh Welcomes the Effort
_______________c. J.Lo on board
III. The End of Adultery
_____A. No Marriage: No Married Man can Have Intercourse with Someone Not
His Wife.
_____B. No Marriage: No Married Woman can Have Intercourse with Someone
Not Her Husband.
IV. A New Day !
_____A. Only Nine Commandments to Worry About !
_____B. At Last !! All the Blessed Sex (and Partners) a Christian Could Want
_____C. Actually Only Eight Commandments to Worry About.
__________1. Without Marriage, No One can Covet His Neighbor’s Wife
__________2. Still OK to Covet Thy Neighbor’s Goods* (just not his Ass)
V. As They Say In Wisconsin, “Praise Cheeses!!”
- Uke Man
* the American “Christian Capitalist” dispensation (not applicable to Jews, Muslems, African Americans, Latinos, illegal aliens, and other foreigners – some blonde Latinos may qualify)
I, too, had been scheduled to speak, but owing to our local trash day I was unable to attend. Here’s an outline of the sermon I’d hoped to give:
God’s New Plan for Purity
I. The Ten Commandments
_____A. Judge Roy Moore’s Incomparable Contribution
__________1. Job Creation for Stone-carvers and Piano-movers
__________2. Sex is Satan’s whorehouse
__________3. Prurient cheerleading routines
__________4. Sponge Bob Square Pants
__________5. The secret significance of “Yyyyy, Mmm, CA”
_____B. Adultery
__________1. n “voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man or
woman and someone other than his wife or her husband,
respectively.”
__________2. Involuntary and unmarried sex is NOT adultery
_______________a. The Commandments don’t address involuntary sex
_______________b. The Commandments don’t address sex between unmarried partners
II. Marriage Laws
_____A. Secretary Blackwell’s Incomparable Contribution
__________1. Nailing Gay Marriage
_______________a. No Marriage
_______________b. No Civil Unions
_______________c. What next?
__________2. The End of Marriage as We Know It
_______________a. Governor Blackwell can Do It
_______________b. Rush Limbaugh Welcomes the Effort
_______________c. J.Lo on board
III. The End of Adultery
_____A. No Marriage: No Married Man can Have Intercourse with Someone Not
His Wife.
_____B. No Marriage: No Married Woman can Have Intercourse with Someone
Not Her Husband.
IV. A New Day !
_____A. Only Nine Commandments to Worry About !
_____B. At Last !! All the Blessed Sex (and Partners) a Christian Could Want
_____C. Actually Only Eight Commandments to Worry About.
__________1. Without Marriage, No One can Covet His Neighbor’s Wife
__________2. Still OK to Covet Thy Neighbor’s Goods* (just not his Ass)
V. As They Say In Wisconsin, “Praise Cheeses!!”
- Uke Man
* the American “Christian Capitalist” dispensation (not applicable to Jews, Muslems, African Americans, Latinos, illegal aliens, and other foreigners – some blonde Latinos may qualify)
2 Comments:
Hi Tom,
What a great blog!!! I just read today that the IRS might look into the North Carolina "preacher" who told people to repent or resign if they voted for Kerry. Well, they say HE resigned yesterday. Chalk one up for the good guys. Now, why can Parsley and his ilk get by with tax exempt status.
Hey, maybe you can write about Norquist and his "fixed" remarks next. Smiles from Sondra
Now that's a sermon I'd actually go to church to hear!
Cheers,
Pam
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