Inaugural Speech - Early Draft
WASHINGTON (UMP*) -- The following is the text of President Bush's inaugural address Thursday:
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Vice President Snarley, Mr. Chief In-Justice, President Peanut, Daddy, Evil President Clinton, flaccid members of Congress, reverend clergy-clowns, disguised guests, and fellow fascists:
On this day, prescribed by law and marked by ceremony, I am determined to repeat the oath that Vice President Cheney uttered on the floor of the senate a while ago; so get out the Vaseline.
There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment, and expose the pretensions of tyrants, and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant, but we’re certainly not dumb enough to tell you what THAT is. I may be a brain-dead slacker, but I got smart advisors.
We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of large corporations undercutting domestic labor by exploiting other lands. America's vital interests AND our deepest beliefs are now ONE: screw the people!!
From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this earth has rights, and dignity, and matchless value, but that some have more rights, and dignity, and matchless value than others.
So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democracy in any nation that won’t kiss our ass.
We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation: The moral choice between oppressing their people for their personal gain, or letting us do it!
The American people will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains (But I will!), or that women welcome humiliation and servitude (but I will), or that any human beings aspire to live at the mercy of bullies (but as long as I am president, I WILL!).
Today, I speak to the people of America and the people of the world: “You’re fucked!”
Democratic reformers here at home, facing repression, prison, or exile should know this: I see you , Mr. Fitrakis! You dipsticks should know that we believe as Abraham Lincoln did: "You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, and those are pretty good odds."
I ask our youngest citizens to believe me rather than their lying eyes. They should see that life is fragile, and evil is real, and courage triumphs – it’s a cake-walk, a slam-dunk. Make the choice to serve in a cause larger than you and in your days you will add not just to the wealth of the military-industrial complex, but also experience a wonderful entry-level financial opportunity for yourself.
America has need of idealism and courage because we have essential work at home, the unfinished work of reestablishing the aristocracy.
We will give our fellow Americans greater freedom to want and to fear. You may disagree with me, but I’m resolute, and you know where I stand.
When the Declaration of Independence was first read in public and the Liberty Bell was sounded in celebration, a witness said, "It rang as if it meant something." In our time it means something too:
America, in this young century, proclaims empire throughout all the world, and dominion over all the inhabitants thereof. Renewed by our mandate, fortified by God, we are ready for the greatest imposition by the few upon the many in the history of the world.
May God bless 41 and Bar and the kids, and Laura, and Condi, and Dickey, and Rummy, and Carl, and Wolfie, and fuck everybody else, especially Sponge Bob Square Pants and those Teletubbies.
* UMP - "Uke Man Press"
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Vice President Snarley, Mr. Chief In-Justice, President Peanut, Daddy, Evil President Clinton, flaccid members of Congress, reverend clergy-clowns, disguised guests, and fellow fascists:
On this day, prescribed by law and marked by ceremony, I am determined to repeat the oath that Vice President Cheney uttered on the floor of the senate a while ago; so get out the Vaseline.
There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment, and expose the pretensions of tyrants, and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant, but we’re certainly not dumb enough to tell you what THAT is. I may be a brain-dead slacker, but I got smart advisors.
We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of large corporations undercutting domestic labor by exploiting other lands. America's vital interests AND our deepest beliefs are now ONE: screw the people!!
From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this earth has rights, and dignity, and matchless value, but that some have more rights, and dignity, and matchless value than others.
So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democracy in any nation that won’t kiss our ass.
We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation: The moral choice between oppressing their people for their personal gain, or letting us do it!
The American people will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains (But I will!), or that women welcome humiliation and servitude (but I will), or that any human beings aspire to live at the mercy of bullies (but as long as I am president, I WILL!).
Today, I speak to the people of America and the people of the world: “You’re fucked!”
Democratic reformers here at home, facing repression, prison, or exile should know this: I see you , Mr. Fitrakis! You dipsticks should know that we believe as Abraham Lincoln did: "You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, and those are pretty good odds."
I ask our youngest citizens to believe me rather than their lying eyes. They should see that life is fragile, and evil is real, and courage triumphs – it’s a cake-walk, a slam-dunk. Make the choice to serve in a cause larger than you and in your days you will add not just to the wealth of the military-industrial complex, but also experience a wonderful entry-level financial opportunity for yourself.
America has need of idealism and courage because we have essential work at home, the unfinished work of reestablishing the aristocracy.
We will give our fellow Americans greater freedom to want and to fear. You may disagree with me, but I’m resolute, and you know where I stand.
When the Declaration of Independence was first read in public and the Liberty Bell was sounded in celebration, a witness said, "It rang as if it meant something." In our time it means something too:
America, in this young century, proclaims empire throughout all the world, and dominion over all the inhabitants thereof. Renewed by our mandate, fortified by God, we are ready for the greatest imposition by the few upon the many in the history of the world.
May God bless 41 and Bar and the kids, and Laura, and Condi, and Dickey, and Rummy, and Carl, and Wolfie, and fuck everybody else, especially Sponge Bob Square Pants and those Teletubbies.
* UMP - "Uke Man Press"
2 Comments:
Hey Tom, that's a great inaugural speech. Maybe W will let you start writing his speeches. Great! Sondra
Vice President Snarley. I walked around all day yesterday snickering about that and had to come back and read it again.
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